Affair Recovery
From an attachment theory perspective, infidelity can be understood as a threat to attachment security.
In other words, the betrayal of infidelity can leave injured partners questioning: Do I matter to you? Do you care about me? Are you here for me? Can I rely on you? Do I know you? Are you in this with me? Will you show up if I'm in need? Injured partners may find themselves frantically trying to re-establish security in the relationship in order to quell the discomfort of disconnection. Alternatively, some injured partners try to rebuff their own fears and needs. Many injured parties vacillate between urgently trying to engage their partners (e.g. waves of intense emotion, anger outbursts, seeking sex, questions, demands, stipulations, and ultimatums) and detaching from themselves and the relationship.
The partner who was unfaithful is also reacting to the rupture in the attachment bond. This person may try to repair quickly to feel 'normal' again. He or she may feel guilty for hurting their partner, but unsure how to convey this clearly. The partner who was unfaithful may feel angry, alone, and/or confused. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Will she/he ever let it go? I can't go on like this forever. I need to know if she/he will ever forgive me and want me again.
Couples therapy, from an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model, focuses first on giving each partner space to share how they are impacted by what has happened in the relationship. Ultimately, each partner needs a map for: how the infidelity came to occur, the pain of the betrayal, and how to heal the wound together.
If you are overwhelmed and heartbroken, I can help.
Learning of an infidelity can be one of the most earth-shattering and heartbreaking experiences in a person’s life. All of a sudden the person you thought you could count on forever may suddenly seem like a stranger, and your world may feel turned upside down. Deciding whether to heal from and pick up the pieces of your relationship together can be incredibly difficult and confusing - both for the person who was unfaithful and for the person who was betrayed. To make things even more difficult, oftentimes our well-meaning friends and family may weigh-in with their opinions, which can further add to the complexity of an already difficult situation.
I have helped many couples pick up the pieces and create a relationship that is stronger than ever. Through the use of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), which is evidence-based and highly effective, I help couples not only heal their relationship but create a relationship that is stronger than ever.
I also help couples navigate through their discernment process after an affair. If through that process the couple decides to separate, I help them find honest and meaningful ways to part and end their relationship.
Frequently asked questions for couples recovering from infidelity
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What are couples therapy sessions like?At this time, weekly counseling sessions are online. Our first session will be spent getting to know one another, discussing what’s led you to therapy, and giving you an opportunity to ask me questions. Then I will meet with each partner individually to learn about each persons family history, relationship history, and your individual concerns about the relationship. After that, all sessions will be with both partners present. Weekly counseling sessions are a combination of conversation, skill building, and communication practice as we talk about about your relationship concerns. We'll talk lot about feelings to help you communicate your feelings with each other in a way that is understood. Through this process you'll be learning tools to use in your day-to-day life. If needed, I'll offer referrals to other disciplines, such as psychiatry, primary care, individual therapy, etc. Most of all, I will hold space for you both to practice open, honest, and kind communication.
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How do I know if Couples Therapy will work for me?There are times when individual therapy may be more appropriate than marriage counseling. These times include: Couples in which one or both partners have an active addiction. If there is an ongoing affair that hasn't ended yet. If being in the same room for a long time is too triggering (potential trauma reaction) or you haven't been able to be in the same space without being civil in a period of time - this format will not be productive. If there is active intimate partner violence, this is not an option.
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Are you a licensed therapist?Yes! I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Minnesota and Oregon. I am also a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor in Minnesota. MN LICSW 21464 OR LICSW L12818 MN LADC 303706
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How long are counseling sessions?Typical sessions are 50 minutes in length. Some clients prefer 90 or 110 minute sessions and those are also available depending on availability.
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Do you offer in person therapy?I currently only offer services online.
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How long will I need to be in therapy?I meet with clients weekly and each session lasts for 50 minutes. It is hard to know how long therapy will take as many things impact how quickly progress can be made. Couples therapy is always best conceived of as short-term therapy. In good couples therapy, the relationship gets the help it needs to grow–learning how to communicate well, how to disagree productively, how to get needs met, and address difficult issues. Through that process, vulnerabilities that each member of the relationship brings to the table are identified or exposed in new ways. You can expect me to regularly engage the question of how the couples therapy is going and be sure it’s continuing to add value to the relationship. While I may have recommendations, the decision for how long to continue with the couples therapy is up to you. I usually recommend that couples start with 6-months of weekly sessions as a trial period to make sure you are finding this therapy helpful.
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Why EFT over another couple's therapy?In short, because it works!Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is the #1 research-validated relationship therapy and the ONLY couple therapy recommended by the American Psychological Association to help improve relationships. In clinical trials it has a 70-73% success rate and 90% of couple report improvements. Other marriage and family therapies only have a 40-50% success rate.
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Do you offer a free consultation?Yes, I offer a free 15 minute consultation call. When reaching out before a first couples therapy session, share enough to gauge whether you want to make an initial appointment, but be aware that, unless both of you are on the phone, it may be best to share little beyond the essentials in this conversation so your first encounter with the therapist gives both of you the chance to present the relationship.
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What type of couples counseling do you do?I do a type of marriage counseling called Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) which is the #1 research-validated relationship therapy and the ONLY couple therapy recommended by the American Psychological Association to help improve relationships. In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with me, we will do a thorough assessment of your relationship, discover your relationships specific strengths and area's for growth, and discuss what makes for emotionally secure relationships. We'll deep dive into: Discovering the interactional pattern you have been caught in that keeps you feeling distant in your marriage Exploring the underlying emotions and longings that are at the heart of the cycle you are stuck in Changing your communication to be effective and clear communication Rebuilding trust in the relationship, especially if there has been a betrayal of some kind Enhancing your sexual satisfaction so you can reconnect in an intimate way Building a secure relationship bond in your marriage ... and so much more!
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Is it weird to seek Couple's therapy if we aren't married?No. In fact, many of the couples I see are not married. There are all kinds of relationships, and all sorts of reasons for seeking help.