Ah, couples therapy. Just saying the words can make some people squirm. Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while, sensing that you and your partner could use a little help getting back on track. Maybe things feel... stuck. Or you're tired of having the same fight over and over, like some weird relationship déjà vu. You know therapy could help, but how do you get your partner on board without making them feel like you’re saying, “Hey, our relationship is broken”?
Here’s the first thing you need to know: suggesting therapy doesn’t mean you’re failing. In fact, it means you care enough to want to do the work. It’s like giving your relationship a tune-up before the engine blows.
But how do you approach it without causing a defensive reaction? Let’s break it down.
1. Choose Your Moment Wisely
You don’t want to drop the “Let’s go to therapy” bomb in the middle of a fight or when emotions are running high. I’ve seen this happen, and it almost never goes well. Timing is everything. Look for a calm moment when you’re both relaxed, maybe over coffee or during a casual walk. This is not a conversation to rush.
2. Lead with Your Feelings, Not Accusations
Instead of saying, “We need therapy because you never listen to me,” (ouch!) try, “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I think therapy could help us get back to that closeness we had. What do you think?”
Notice the difference? The first approach puts them on the defensive, while the second invites a conversation. It’s about creating a sense of *us* rather than pointing fingers.
3. Focus on Growth, Not Fixing
I’ve found that therapy can sound like a big, scary “fix-it” solution to some people, as if you’re admitting that something’s broken. Reframe it as a tool for growth. Say something like, “I think therapy could help us understand each other better and strengthen our relationship. It’s not about who’s right or wrong—it’s about getting some new tools to make things better for both of us.”
You’re not suggesting therapy because you think your relationship is falling apart (even if it feels like it sometimes). You’re suggesting it because you believe in the relationship enough to want to make it better.
4. Normalize It
In my experience, couples therapy isn’t something only reserved for people on the brink of divorce. It’s for anyone who wants a little extra support in navigating the messiness of love. Normalize the idea of going to therapy, just like you would with any other form of self-care. You could even mention how you’ve been working on yourself (whether through individual therapy, reading, or whatever else) and that this feels like the next step.
5. Reassure Them It’s a Safe Space
For a lot of people, the fear of therapy comes from the idea of airing out all their dirty laundry in front of a stranger. Reassure your partner that therapy isn’t about judgment or blame. It’s a safe space where both of you get to express yourselves and feel heard—by each other and by the therapist.
One thing I always tell couples I work with is that therapy isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about understanding. It’s about learning how to communicate better, heal old wounds, and build a stronger connection. Sometimes just hearing that can be enough to ease the anxiety around it.
6. Offer to Go Together First
If your partner is hesitant, offer to take that first step together. “We’ll go for one session and see how it feels.” Sometimes it’s the idea of starting that feels overwhelming, but once they see that therapy isn’t some scary, life-altering thing, the process becomes much easier. One session often leads to more, simply because they realize how helpful it can be.
7. Be Patient but Persistent
Change takes time. If your partner is resistant at first, don’t give up. Keep the conversation open, but do it gently. You might need to revisit the idea after a few weeks or months. The important thing is not to push too hard or make them feel cornered. Relationships are a dance, after all, and sometimes it takes a few steps back before you can move forward together.
Final Thoughts
Suggesting couples therapy isn’t admitting defeat—it’s saying, “I love us enough to invest in our future.” Therapy doesn’t mean something’s broken; it means you’re willing to work on the relationship with intention, compassion, and a desire to grow together. If you approach it from that place of love and curiosity, chances are, your partner will see it as an opportunity, not a threat.
And hey, if you get them to agree, congratulations! You’ve already taken a huge step toward building a deeper, more connected relationship. You’re doing the work, and that matters.