What Does Repair Really Look Like in Relationships?

What Does Repair Really Look Like in Relationships?

We all know that couple—the ones who bicker constantly. My friends Jenna and Ryan are sharp, hilarious, and incred

ibly fun… except for one thing: they argue all the time. Holidays, dinner parties, weekend getaways—you name it, they’re going at it.

And yet… they’ve been together for decades. They love each other deeply, value each other’s opinions, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. So why does it work?

The Rhythm of Connection and Conflict

Think about classic TV couples who seem to argue nonstop—Jerry Stiller and Estelle Harris in Seinfeld, or Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle in Everybody Loves Raymond. They bicker, they clash, but they’re inseparable.

What we’re watching is a cycle that exists in every relationship: connection, disconnection, and reconnection. Therapist Terry Real calls it harmony, disharmony, and repair—or simply, closeness, rupture, and a return to closeness.

In sitcoms, this happens in a single episode, exaggerated for laughs. But in real life, this cycle plays out over days, weeks, or even years. And the question becomes: How do we know when fighting ends and repair begins?

The Subtle Signs of Reconnection

It’s easy to recognize when we’re in sync—conversations flow, disagreements are lighthearted, and we feel close whether we’re together or apart.

Disconnection is just as obvious. Whether it’s a cold silence or a full-blown fight, we feel the rupture. It’s why so many couples walk into my therapy office saying, “We just need to communicate better.” What they really mean is: We need to find our way back to each other.

But repair? Repair is messy. It’s not a perfect resolution—it’s a gradual softening. You’re still fighting, but there’s more tenderness. The tension shifts. Humor sneaks back in. The sharp edges begin to dull.

And then there are the small gestures—the ones easy to miss if you’re not paying attention.

She’s furious, but she still makes sure his prescription is refilled.He’s annoyed, but he hands her a cup of tea without a word.They’re still debating politics, but they ask each other’s thoughts on an article they read together.

These are what the Gottmans call “bids for connection”—tiny, everyday ways we reach for one another, even in the middle of conflict. A glance. A question. A joke. A touch. The choice to turn toward instead of pulling away.

From the outside, these couples might look chaotic. But maybe they’re just embracing the messiness of intimacy. Their reactivity doesn’t mean they don’t care—it often means they care deeply.

Now, Let’s Turn the Lens on You

• What kind of fighter are you? Do you use words, silence, withdrawal, gestures?

• How do you prefer to make up—through touch, humor, conversation, time?

• Do you initiate repair, or do you wait for the other person to?

• How would you describe your experience of apologizing?

• How do you know when you’re truly done fighting?

Because the real question isn’t whether you fight—it’s how you find your way back to each other.