When Addiction Becomes the Barrier to Couples Therapy—and Why That’s a Problem

Many couples therapists decline to work with partners who are in active addiction. It’s common, and it’s understandable.Active use can complicate treatment, distort emotional signals, and make progress feel unpredictable.But the result is something few clinicians want to talk about:

Most couples can’t get help unless the partner struggling with addiction gets clean first.

And that creates a bind—because the relationship could be the very place where the shift toward sobriety begins.

When support is withheld until someone is fully sober, couples are left alone in the most fragile part of the journey.No direction.No containment.No help with the fear, the mistrust, or the loneliness that pushes the addiction to tighten its grip.

This is where couples fall apart. Not because they don’t love each other. But because the system that could hold them doesn’t allow them in until the crisis is already burning.

I Work Differently

I don’t see problematic use as the problem.I see it as a signal.A survival strategy.A way of steadying the self when the world feels too sharp, too fast, or too painful.

Every addiction makes sense once you understand what it’s protecting.

Substance use often emerges as an attempt to quiet something unbearable—memories that won’t stay buried,shame that floods without warning,a sense of not mattering,a body that has learned to brace for disappointment before it arrives.

This isn’t about excusing harm.It’s about understanding the human behind the behavior.

Addiction as Adaptation

Addiction is rarely a random act of self-destruction.It’s usually a last attempt at holding the self together.

Historically, the word dissociation meant that a person had pieces of their experience—memories, images, sensations—that couldn’t be held together at once.Certain moments in the present could call those pieces forward, and the body would separate from itself to survive.

In many ways, addiction behaves like a cousin to dissociation:a way to interrupt what the psyche can’t yet face,a way to dull the cues that would otherwise overwhelm,a way to create an artificial steadiness when real steadiness feels out of reach.

People don’t use substances because they don’t care.They use because something inside has become too loud to manage alone.

The Relationship Isn’t the Enemy—It’s the Resource

When I sit with couples navigating addiction or early recovery, I’m not looking for who’s “right.”I’m looking for the story that hasn’t been spoken—the fear under the anger,the shame under the withdrawal,the longing under the numbness.

And I’m looking at how the relationship can help shift the pattern.

Many partners know their loved one is using.But they often don’t know what the use is trying to silence.

So in sessions, I might gently ask the partner who’s struggling:

“I know your partner is aware of the using.But do they know about your pain?”

Most of the time, they don’t.Not because the pain isn’t there—but because shame keeps it hidden.

Addiction is often the psyche’s last effort to stay intact.A way to survive unlovedness, overwhelm, or isolation.

When couples understand that together, things begin to move.

The Work We Do

This kind of therapy isn’t about pushing sobriety.It’s about creating connection that makes sobriety feel possible.

I help couples:

• understand the emotional pattern addiction creates between them• speak openly without collapsing into shame or fear• repair mistrust without pretending nothing happened• create safety that doesn’t require perfection• support the partner in recovery without losing their own needs• interrupt the cycle that keeps pulling them apart

The relationship becomes the container.The anchor.The steadying force that addiction was trying to create artificially.

You Don’t Have to Wait for “Clean and Sober” to Begin

The idea that couples must wait for full sobriety before entering therapy leaves people unsupported at the exact moment they need the most care.

You don’t have to wait.

The work can start now—gently, honestly, and with enough structure to help both of you feel steadier.

If you’re navigating addiction, early recovery, or the fear that your relationship won’t survive this, you’re not alone.There is a way forward that honors both partners, the bond between you, and the pain underneath the pattern.

Ready for Support?

If addiction, early recovery, or secrecy is reshaping your relationship, you don’t have to face it without help. I offer a steady, non-judgmental space where both partners can speak honestly and begin to rebuild trust.Click below to schedule a consultation and explore next steps.