Rekindling Desire: What to Do When the Lust is Gone

Sex can fade in relationships for so many reasons—stress, exhaustion, parenting, medical issues, emotional distance, or just the natural ebb and flow of long-term intimacy. Some couples are perfectly happy without sex, and that’s totally fine if both people are on the same page. But for many, a lack of sex isn’t just about the absence of physical intimacy—it’s about the confusion, the hurt feelings, and the unspoken questions:

📌 Is this normal?

📌 Will we ever get it back?

📌 What does this mean for us?

Is There a “Normal” Sex Life?

If you’ve ever googled sexless marriage, you’re not alone. It’s a question millions of people ask, and the search results are overwhelming. Some studies say “once a week” is the magic number, while others highlight declining sexual frequency over the years. You might even stumble across alarming statistics that make you wonder if you should be panicking.

But here’s the thing—numbers miss the bigger picture.

Sex isn’t just about frequency. The real questions to ask are:💡 Do we feel connected?💡 Do we still experience attraction, even in small moments?💡 Does sex feel like a duty or an exciting possibility?

Numbers won’t tell you whether you feel desired, whether intimacy feels alive, or whether there’s space for sensuality in your relationship. And those are the things that truly matter.

Shifting the Focus From Sex to Desire

If you’re stuck in a sexless cycle, the first step isn’t to schedule sex like an appointment or obsess over how much (or how little) you’re having. That approach kills desire faster than anything.

Instead, start with curiosity.

Desire isn’t something you can force. But you can invite it back in by exploring what turns you on—not just sexually, but in life. Because desire, at its core, is about feeling alive, engaged, and open to pleasure.

Try this: Instead of pressuring yourselves to “fix” your sex life, have a conversation about Desire itself. No expectations, no goals—just an open discussion.

Put It Into Practice: A Conversation About Sensuality

Pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Sit down together—not to “fix” anything, but to simply talk. Pick a few of these questions and see where the conversation takes you:

🔥 What’s your favorite temperature of water?🔥 How does your body respond to sun, wind, or touch?🔥 Are you aware of the sensations on your skin throughout the day?🔥 When you shower, do you rush or take time to enjoy the feeling?🔥 Do you find pleasure in simple, physical experiences—like stretching, eating, or feeling different fabrics?🔥 What’s a non-sexual thing that feels sensual to you?🔥 Which sense—touch, taste, smell, sound, or sight—do you connect with most during intimacy?🔥 What’s one of your favorite sensual memories of us together?

These questions aren’t about sex—they’re about awareness, pleasure, and reconnection to yourself and each other.

Because before you bring sex back, you have to bring Desire back.

And that starts with paying attention—to your own body, to what excites you, and to the small moments of intimacy that exist outside the bedroom.

Final Thought

If you’re feeling disconnected from sex, don’t obsess over how often it’s happening—focus on how it feels. Intimacy isn’t just about sex; it’s about attention, presence, and tuning into your own capacity for pleasure and connection.

So instead of asking “How often should we be having sex?”—try asking: “What makes me feel alive, and how can I bring more of that into my relationship?”

That’s where desire begins.