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Writer's pictureHanna Basel

Why Some Couples Struggle to Have a Positive Baseline

In relationships, maintaining a positive baseline—a stable and generally happy state of being—is crucial for long-term satisfaction and connection. However, many couples find it challenging to achieve and sustain this positive equilibrium. Understanding the underlying reasons for these struggles can help couples work towards a healthier, more harmonious relationship. Let’s explore why some couples struggle to maintain a positive baseline and what can be done to address these challenges.


Woman drinking coffee with her dog thinking about her relationship.

What Is a Positive Baseline?

A positive baseline refers to the overall emotional climate of a relationship. It’s the default state where both partners feel generally content, supported, and connected. While all relationships experience ups and downs, a positive baseline means that the “norm” is one of positivity, even when conflicts arise.


Factors Contributing to a Struggling Positive Baseline


Poor Communication:

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. When partners struggle to express their needs, feelings, and concerns openly and constructively, misunderstandings and resentment can build up, eroding the positive baseline.

Unresolved Conflicts:

Every relationship encounters conflicts. However, unresolved conflicts that are repeatedly brushed under the carpet can fester, creating a negative atmosphere. The inability to address and resolve issues can lead to ongoing tension and a weakened emotional connection.


Stress and External Pressures:

External stressors such as financial problems, work-related stress, and family issues can take a toll on a relationship. When partners are overwhelmed by external pressures, they may have less emotional energy to invest in maintaining a positive baseline.


Incompatible Attachment Styles:

Differences in attachment styles can impact how partners relate to each other. For instance, a partner with an anxious attachment style may constantly seek reassurance, while a partner with an avoidant attachment style may withdraw. These conflicting needs can create a challenging dynamic, making it difficult to maintain positivity.

Negative Interaction Patterns:

Some couples fall into negative interaction patterns, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviors, identified by relationship expert John Gottman as the “Four Horsemen,” can severely damage the relationship’s emotional climate.

Lack of Quality Time:

Spending quality time together is essential for maintaining a positive baseline. When couples neglect to prioritize their relationship amidst busy schedules, they may drift apart emotionally, weakening their bond.

Emotional Baggage:

Past experiences and unresolved emotional baggage can impact the present relationship. If one or both partners carry unhealed wounds from previous relationships or childhood, these issues can interfere with their ability to create and sustain a positive baseline.

Discrepancies in Values and Goals:

Differences in core values, life goals, and priorities can create friction. If partners are not aligned in their vision for the future or have fundamentally different beliefs, it can be challenging to maintain a positive and unified relationship.

Strategies to Build and Maintain a Positive Baseline


Improve Communication:

Practice active listening, express your needs clearly, and avoid blame. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings and needs without attacking your partner.


Resolve Conflicts Constructively:

Address conflicts head-on and seek to understand your partner’s perspective. Use conflict resolution techniques such as compromise and finding win-win solutions.

Manage Stress Together:

Support each other through stressful times. Develop coping strategies as a team and ensure you make time for relaxation and fun activities together.


Understand Attachment Styles:

Learn about each other’s attachment styles and how they influence your behaviors. Work towards creating a secure attachment by providing reassurance and understanding each other’s needs.

Break Negative Patterns:

Recognize and interrupt negative interaction patterns. Replace criticism with appreciation, defensiveness with responsibility, contempt with respect, and stonewalling with open dialogue.

Prioritize Quality Time:

Make time for each other, even if it’s just a few minutes each day. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that strengthen your bond.

Heal Emotional Wounds:

Address and heal from past emotional wounds, either individually or together. Consider seeking therapy to work through unresolved issues that may be impacting your relationship.

Align Values and Goals:

Discuss your values, goals, and priorities openly. Find common ground and work towards shared goals to ensure you’re moving in the same direction.


Maintaining a positive baseline in a relationship requires effort, understanding, and commitment from both partners. By addressing poor communication, resolving conflicts, managing stress, understanding attachment styles, breaking negative patterns, prioritizing quality time, healing emotional wounds, and aligning values and goals, couples can build a strong, resilient foundation. Remember, it’s not about never experiencing conflict or stress, but about how you navigate these challenges together that determines the overall health and positivity of your relationship.


Discover the keys to maintaining a positive baseline in your relationship and unlock long-term happiness and connection. Speak to a licensed online therapist licensed in Minnesota and Oregon by getting in touch.

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